IS FEAR CAUSING YOU TO WORK TOO MUCH?

I usually write antidotal advice in my posts, but, unfortunately, I do not have any clarity or wisdom to impart when it comes to my current problem. This is not something that is easy to admit to. It is something that just makes me sad. 

 I have jumped into a big workaholic hole.  It’s actually more like a vortex than a hole.  Every time I start a new job I put my foot on the accelerator and I usually do not stop until I crash into a wall.  I often blog about slowing down and simplifying your life.  I have to admit that since starting a new job, I have been doing exactly opposite.  I have been working six and seven days a week. I am returning text messages at 10 pm at night, and my son reacted like I was a visiting aunt when I showed up at the park the other day.  He was so excited to show me everything he has mastered over the last two months and refused to let me push him on the swing, as only his nanny could do this properly.  Of course, a little part of me died when he rejected my efforts to help him.  

My son has become so accustomed to ordering take out.  One night I mustered up enough energy to throw a frozen pizza in the oven Mr 3 wanted to know when it was delivered.  This is of course a far cry from the balanced and nutritious meals my own mother cooked 365 days a year.  I no longer read books, call friends and family, do anything remotely recreational without having my blackberry within easy reach.  What has become of me?  I woke this morning  exhausted at 9.30 am.  My husband had taken my son to the park, and chatted with the moms and had coffee at a neighbors house.  All the while I was lying in bed nursing a migraine and totally exhausted, dreading that I have to start a training course tomorrow - on a Saturday.  

I am not known for doing things in half measures, but I wish I could push the pause button.  I had a father who was a workaholic, and   I remembered how his absence made me feel as a child.  I do not remember him eating dinner with us or tucking me in at night.  I grew up believing that was what dads did - they work all the time.  I do not want to teach my son that this is admirable or necessary to achieve things in life.  

Like everything, this is my choice.  I could leave work earlier; I could turn off my phone after 6pm or I could make a decision to enjoy the little (and sometimes ordinary) things with my son, rather than choosing to ride on the adrenaline wave of my job.  What is stopping me?  Fear is stopping me.  Fear that I will not be good enough, fear of not being recognized for what I do, fear that I won’t be able to achieve anything without applying the maximum amount of effort.  Fear of not being enough.  All the while I fear not being a good enough mother, not being a good enough wife and not being good enough to myself.  It astounds me how obscured priorities become when they are clouded by fear.

WHEN IS SOMEONE TOO SENSITIVE?

Children have such easy access to their emotions. It is baffling to see them burst into tears at the drop of a hat or when a fit of rage is triggered by a seemingly small problem. We rarely admire or praise children for their honesty when it comes to their emotions. We usually have some advice that discourages them from sharing how they feel. Like “you will be fine” or “it’s not that bad” or “you shouldn’t be so sensitive” or “you need to learn to defend yourself”. It is natural not to want to see children get hurt, so we encourage them to be less vulnerable.

As someone who has always been sensitive and easily hurt, I’m not sure what the answer is. I do wish, however, that being sensitive wasn’t always deemed as a character flaw. I recently read an article about people who are HSP (highly sensitive people) and discovered that they are more physically sensitive.  Their senses, such as touch, smell and hearing are also more sensitive. Approximately 15 to 20% of the population are HSP. A HSP is more likely to enjoy small gatherings, than noisy and crowded parties. They are also more perceptive than most people and are more likely to be intellectually gifted. They usually have more of an appreciation for nature and the arts.

The key for me has been learning to embrace that side of myself. I no longer apologize for being moody or sensitive or emotional (what my mother referred to as my artistic temperament). I have come to accept that I experience my emotions more intensely than most people – When I’m happy, I’m very happy and when I’m sad, I’m very sad. This is sometimes a gift, and sometimes it feels like a curse. Life is a little more difficult when you are less emotionally resilient, but I also believe that it is more colorful and exciting.

Next time you tell someone they are too sensitive, ask yourself if you are also telling them that they are too intuitive, too perceptive, too empathetic or too happy. Unfortunately, when you encourage someone to be less sensitive we are also encouraging them to be less themselves.

WHY WEIGHT? LOVE YOURSELF TODAY!

In my lifetime, I’ve been fat, and I’ve been really thin and a lot of sizes in between. Sadly this has probably been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I say sadly because it has been my choice. I have chosen to equate my value as a women based on my dress size or what the scales say. I have chosen to obsess over this and at times allowed it to consume my every thought. This of course has been a terrible waste of energy, heartache and time. I know, however, that I am not alone. In fact, most women use their physical appearance as a measure of their value from time to time (if not all the time).

As women we often find fault with the media, our parents, men or society as a whole; however this is a choice. We as women choose to diminish ourselves each time we say “i’m not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough”. To be honest, I am exhausted, I can no longer suck in my stomach when I walk into a room, or tell myself that I will do something next month when I have lost a few kilos. “I will live my life when I get to a size 6”. I want to live my life now! 

I have recently explored the idea of “what if this is it?”. What if this is the best I am ever going to look? What if I knew with absolute certainty that I am never going to lose or gain another kilo? How would I live my life? This proved to be an enlightening question for me, because if it were true I would take better care of myself, be kinder to myself and probably love and accept myself a little more. I would buy myself clothes that made me feel great today (not when I lose 2 dress sizes). 

It is impossible to accept yourself as you are if you are constantly striving for more. It is difficult to have gratitude when you are always looking at what you don’t have. Today as a beautiful and empowered woman I choose to be grateful for my body and my mind. I choose to step into the world valuing everything I have and not everything I want.

ANGER MISMANAGEMENT?

Last night I had an enormous disagreement with my husband. I totally flew off the handle, which I only do a few times a year (much to my husbands delight). When he left the room, I found myself staring out the kitchen window, seething with anger. “How dare he” was the first thing to come to mind and “how insensitive”. I then miraculously had a moment of clarity (amidst my muttering of insults). “Why am I so angry?” I realized my anger was directly proportionate to my inability to assert myself. 

When I feel powerless or unable to articulate my feelings, I feel very angry. The same way my two and half year old son sometimes feels. Especially when he can’t be understood or can’t express his emotions. The anger is directed at the person who provoked these unpleasant feelings, however, the cause is the feeling of powerlessness. Realizing, in the heat of the moment, my problem solving strategies is the same as my toddlers is a revelation. 

I am currently teaching my child to deal with uncomfortable feelings and problem solving. When I see a tantrum coming on, I often say “use your words, tell mommy what you need/want”. Interestingly I could use my own advice. Fortunately this is something that is within my control. I don’t need to carry anger around with me. I just need to use my words.

Is your inability to express your feelings or needs feeding anger and resentment?

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you say yes when you mean no?

Are you tolerating unacceptable behavior?

How would your relationships differ if you could articulate what you need?

I found some helpful tips at:

http://www.assertiveness.org.uk/assertiveness_managing_feelings.html

HOW NOT TO BE THE PERFECT PARENT

I like to do things well (recovering perfectionist) and I was determined to get this whole parenting thing right! Before having children (of course), I foolishly imagined that I would one day be the perfect parent. I looked forward to the day that I could guide my little angel on the right path to success and provide him with every opportunity. I would scoff at other parents that didn’t seem to have their children under control. I knew that thanks to my insight and serious approach to parenting, my little darling would never behave in such a way. 

I am now aware that this idea was close to delusional and that I was being a judgmental cow. My calm angelic infant is now in the terrible two phase. My once calm, compliant little munchkin is like a teenager in a 2 1/2 year old body. Today the teacher at his nursery school pulled me aside to inform me that he appears to take pleasure in destroying other children’s projects. She gave me a few handy hints on how to teach empathy. So he is  a sociopathic teenager in a 2 1/2 year old body. 

In my best attempts to raise my little darling, I have made the decision not to spank or raise my voice to him. I have allowed no violent cartoons and no playing with toy guns. I have spent many hours discussing what is right and wrong (yes I know) Which I still stand by (just my choice), however, to my surprise, my values as a parents didn’t turn him into the perfect child I had anticipated. Predictably he is a perfectly normal two year old. He doesn’t share, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. He pushes other children. He throws tantrums like nobody's business and he is that feral kid running around the supermarket. 75% of the time I absolutely have no control over him. As far as me being the perfect mother goes, Its 6pm and I haven’t prepared dinner tonight, instead; I keep feeding him crackers. He doesn’t have any clean pyjamas, so I will probably send him to bed in shorts and a t-shirt. 

I now understand why my mother chased me around the house with a wooden spoon. I now understand why people yell at their kids (like I occasionally do). I wish I had the fortitude to enforce my 30 mins of TV watching a day, but the truth is that sometimes I’m incredibly happy when he is engrossed in TV. I wish I could always be consistent, but I’m a softy who tends to cave more often than I would like. We do whatever works and whatever we have the energy for that day. There are some days that are better than others - sometimes you cook like Martha Stewart and sometimes you get take-out. Sometimes you have the patience of a saint, and sometimes you want to throw yourself under a bus. It is all part of the human experience It has nothing do with perfection and I wouldn’t change a thing!

• If we try to perfect our children - they will always disappoint us.
• If we compare ourselves to other parents - we will always fail as we only see the best of what they have to offer.
• If we use our own childhood as a yardstick - we run the risk of not creating something new and special.

• Be compassionate with yourself - you are doing an awesome job.
• Be compassionate with your kids - they REALLY do try to be good.
• Be compassionate with other parents - they REALLY are doing their best.
• Be humbled by what our own parents achieved - despite their imperfections.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - ENJOY EVERY SMALL MESSED UP MOMENT OF THIS EXPERIENCE, AS IT WILL PASS BY SO QUICKLY.

Acceptance

This week I have struggled with the ability to accept... acceptance, simply accepting what we have and not wanting more. Try as I might, I can not make people the way I want them to be (or need them to be)! Fortunately acceptance resides within us. If we are able to accept ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly, we are also able to accept others as whole human beings. We often require more from our relationships, more material goods and more from ourselves. I used to associate acceptance with mediocrity. I worried that if I stopped wanting then I would stop achieving. However, I now realize that the opposite is true.

“Out beyond ideas and wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field.  I will meet you there.”  - Rumi

FINDING THE COURAGE TO BE YOURSELF

I was going to write a generic blog today with a catchy title in order to increase readership. However after some reflection I realized that this is not why I began to blog in the first place. I wanted to speak my truth. I think as a life coach there is sometimes a temptation to appear as if you have it all figured out.  Well I don't and I want to share some of my misgivings and vulnerabilities in order to help others achieve some clarity around similar issues. Each time I blog it is therapeutic and terrifying at the same time. My efforts to be 100% authentic are sometimes threatened by my desire to please people. Most of the time I manage to resist the urge to please.

Why is it so difficult for us to be sincerely our self. It is difficult not relying on emotional or physical barriers, or use fashion, statement, or status pieces to send a message about who we are (or would like to be). Be strong enough to avoid the temptation of using humor or indifference as a defense. To just be! To be comfortable walking to the store without make-up, to be comfortable saying no if we feel overwhelmed, to be brave enough to accept rejection. Telling someone that we are not ok and that we need comforting and support. It seems so much easier (at least for me) to be stoic and somewhat aloof than be 100% myself. I would love to be able to walk down the road and subdue my negative self talk. Just long enough to realize that people don’t have a strong opinion about how my hair looks or care if my bag matches my outfit. 

Do these issues just plague women or do men sometimes feel the same vulnerabilities? I have noticed that I meet very few people who are truly themselves. It is extremely obvious when you meet these people because you immediately get the sense that you can see their soul. They exude innocence, vulnerability and come from a place of true curiosity. They have a magnetic like pull. You want to be around these people because you suddenly feel as if you also have permission to be yourself. 

I often feel trapped within myself. There is an opinionated, strong, affectionate, creative and sometimes needy person stuck inside that doesn’t get the opportunity to have her needs met, as most people don’t even know she exists. Sometimes disguising this part of myself becomes exhausting. I just want to breath, to truly exhale, although I usually resist the urge. I am concerned that my true self may slip out. 

I urge people reading this to be themselves or at the very least fight the good fight. You are not serving yourself or others by only sharing only part of yourself. Each time you are sincerely yourself, without fear of judgement or rejection, you give someone else permission to do the same.