Last night I had an enormous disagreement with my husband. I totally flew off the handle, which I only do a few times a year (much to my husbands delight). When he left the room, I found myself staring out the kitchen window, seething with anger. “How dare he” was the first thing to come to mind and “how insensitive”. I then miraculously had a moment of clarity (amidst my muttering of insults). “Why am I so angry?” I realized my anger was directly proportionate to my inability to assert myself.
When I feel powerless or unable to articulate my feelings, I feel very angry. The same way my two and half year old son sometimes feels. Especially when he can’t be understood or can’t express his emotions. The anger is directed at the person who provoked these unpleasant feelings, however, the cause is the feeling of powerlessness. Realizing, in the heat of the moment, my problem solving strategies is the same as my toddlers is a revelation.
I am currently teaching my child to deal with uncomfortable feelings and problem solving. When I see a tantrum coming on, I often say “use your words, tell mommy what you need/want”. Interestingly I could use my own advice. Fortunately this is something that is within my control. I don’t need to carry anger around with me. I just need to use my words.
Is your inability to express your feelings or needs feeding anger and resentment?
Are you a people pleaser?
Do you say yes when you mean no?
Are you tolerating unacceptable behavior?
How would your relationships differ if you could articulate what you need?
I found some helpful tips at:
http://www.assertiveness.org.uk/assertiveness_managing_feelings.html
