A LETTER TO MY 13 YEAR OLD SELF

You will be more beautiful than you will ever realize.  Do not waste a second worrying about what others think of you.  Learn to trust your own intuition it is strong and it will guide you.  This is one of the gifts of being a woman.  You will be courageous and fearless in your pursuit of what is right and what is just.  You are a kind, funny, and compassionate girl.  These traits will grow and develop as you grow into a woman. 

Do not mistake sexuality for power, as this type of power is short lived. Your true power comes from your compassion, tenacity and determination.  Do not mistake physical affection for love.  Love is much more!  Do not seek physical affection in order to feel love or value, as it may compromise the love you have for yourself. 

Love and appreciate the body that God gives you, it will carry you through this life.  Take care of your body, nourish your body and cherish its uniqueness.  Love your curves (really love your curves).  Avoid women’s fashion magazines - they will not nourish your soul and will create feelings of inadequacy.  Do not compare yourself to other women, this is a never ending battle that you will never win.  You are unique.  You are more than your physical appearance. Your body and your appearance are not your value; your loving heart, mind and inner strength are what will define you. 

Being a woman is exciting, you get to share the camaraderie of other wonderful women.  Do not judge other women.  We are all on the same path.  We need to work together and support each other to make the journey a little easier.   Have fun with being a woman, wear pretty, sexy and sometime ridiculous clothes. Occasionally buy more shoes or handbags than your budget permits.  If necessary choose beautiful shoes over comfort sometimes and never apologize for being feminine.  In the famous words of Lee Ann Womack “And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.   Dance....I hope you dance.”

STOP BUYING STUFF YOU DON'T NEED

Simple living is something I’m passionate about as it resonates in such a deep place for me. Unfortunately, my desire to live a more minimalist life is challenged by my troubling desire to buy stuff.  Until recently,  I had been working 60 to 70 hours per week. I literally did not step inside a mall for more than eight months.  The last thing on my mind was spending money, so much so that I didn’t bother banking my salary cheques until one had almost expired (much to my husbands astonishment).  It was not about the money. I was driven by my desire to succeed.  All that being said; I have recently resigned from my high stress job and I’ve had quite a bit of extra time on my hands.  I have gone from spending nothing to wanting to buy every shiny thing I see.  I know this is in direct correlation with my sense of purpose.  I need to feel useful, so I create needs that can only be satisfied (at least in my mind) by spending money.  You would be amazed at how important buying new place-mats becomes when you don’t have a lot to do.  It is instant gratification!  It also seems more justifiable if it is for the household or someone else.  If I personally have nothing to show for my spending, and I did not benefit from it directly, then I can hardly be selfish by spending our hard earned cash.

Unfortunately, when we use stuff to fill a deeper need in our life, it does not matter if you have a little or a lot of money, you cheat yourself out of the opportunity to take care of yourself in a loving and nurturing way.  When you use stuff, it has the opposite effect, it is so inadequate in providing us with fulfillment that it creates more unhappiness, which perpetuates the behavior driving us into a bigger hole.  Slowly becoming divorced from the idea that you are capable of giving yourself what you need. You become dependent on the stuff.  While I’m not quite there yet, I have been in the past.  I  don’t want to be in that place again.  It is so far removed from who I am and what I want or need for that matter.

In December we took our 3.5 yr old son to Disneyland in Paris and the day we were leaving, I asked him what he enjoyed most about Disneyland. He took a moment to think about it and then responded with “jumping in puddles”.  On my quest for simplicity,  I can only hope that I enjoy jumping in puddles again.  Like me you might like to take a moment over the next week and just ask yourself “why am I buying this?”, “do I need this?”, “is there an alternative way to meet this need?”  You may be amazed by the answers.

AGING DISTASTEFULLY

I’m angry that I am 40.  I feel like I’ve suddenly been cheated out of being young.  In your 30s, you are still under the impression that you will not have to face aging for some time.  When you hit 40, there is immediate evidence that you are no longer young.  Friends start talking about bucket lists, and the GP is forever checking your cholesterol.  I have been 40 for the last nine months, and I feel as if I’ve spent that time kicking and screaming and unwilling to relinquish my thirties.  I’m not in denial - I am just mad! 

In the media,  we now hear that 40 is the new 30 or that life begins at 40 - what a load of garbage!  I’ve always been a late bloomer; I started university at 27, had my son at 37.  I don’t think that I’m ready to be 40.  At 40, you are suppose to have achieved something with your life, you should be on the road to making an impact in this world.  I just don’t feel like I’m there yet, or even want to be there yet.  My dermatologist constantly reminds me that the spots on my skin are due to aging.  My short sightedness has improved - apparently due to aging, I’ve been told that I need to keep my blood pressure in check. You are in your thirties living the dream, and then BAM you have high blood pressure, your eyes are deteriorating, and you need to take new measures to avoid dying an early death.  I use to want to be healthy so I would look hot.  I now want to live well to stay alive. I have always suspected that I wouldn’t age gracefully, I secretly hope that I will age disgracefully, wearing inappropriate clothing in my 60s and chasing down fellow widowers in my 80s. 

I could try and adopt a new attitude - ‘it is just a number’, or ‘you are as old as you think you are’, but I’m just not feeling it.  I don’t seem to be able to embrace the aging process. I read a draft version of this post to my husband he thought it was all doom and gloom and hoped for a happy ending.  I suppose the happy ending is that I am 40, and I am alive and healthy. I have a great family, a wonderful and exciting life and with age comes wisdom. I am sure that when I reach 55 or 60 I will look back at 40 and wonder what on earth I was complaining about.(Inshallah)

THE GOOD WIFE

Growing up I remember my mother was a ‘good wife’.  She was married in 1959 and automatically became a housewife when she had her first child in the early 60s.  She was a housewife for 22 years. Life was predictable in my house.  My mother dutifully took care of the home, laundry and volunteered for school events.   My father spoke to her sternly if one of his shirts wasn’t ironed.  There was an expectation that she would fulfill this role.  The women’s liberation movement didn’t make it out to the Sydney suburbs in the 60s and 70s.   

I knew one thing about the type of women I wanted to be when I grew up, and that was I DIDN’T WANT TO BE MY MOTHER!  I wanted to be SOOOO much more.  I didn’t want to play that role - NOT EVER!  I expected that my life would be more important than that.  I vowed that I would never allow a man to expect anything from me.  In my house,  all chores would be divided equally, and there would be no specific gender roles.  I wouldn’t allow this to happen to me.

Looking back, my mother actually seemed to enjoy that role.  She took pride in her work.  She was good at what she did.  She made it very clear that she never wanted to work full time.  This of course was unimaginable to me, who saw her as a domestic prisoner.

Fast-forward to 2013 and I have a husband, a three year old and house to take care of.  For many years,  I have dedicated as little effort as possible to housework.  This is partly because there are a million things I would rather be doing and partly because of what it represents to me. Ironically I expect a lot from my loving husband.  I expect him to be aware of my needs, a loving father who is present for his son whenever possible and someone with whom I share the work load of running a household with.  On the flip side, I expect him to expect nothing.  If he expects me to cook dinner he would be a sexist pig and heaven forbid if he was to expect me to iron something.  But is this really the wife I want to be or do I want to be a ‘good wife’.  I now realize that being a ‘good wife’ really has little to do with gender equality.  Being a good wife is creating your own definition of how you plan to contribute  to the overall happiness of your family and your partnership with your spouse. 

Is being a good wife a bad thing? Trying to be a better wife sounds terribly old fashion, but trying to be more aware of my families needs and creating a loving home environment where we can share our time together sounds like a great idea.  Being aware of my husbands needs and being the sort of spouse I would like to have - this will help create the type of family I want. My mother and I may have grown up in different times, however, ultimately we both want the same thing.  A warm home, loving family and someone to share it with.  I'm pretty sure that I will never be a domestic goddess, but, I do want to be a good wife.

DEPRESSION - MY PAINFUL TRUTH

UNDERSTANDING DEPRESSION

Here is my very basic explanation (and non medical).  Neurotransmitters in your brain are not functioning on all cylinders.  This means the chemicals in your brain that trigger all things pleasurable, fun and happy are impaired.  This results in a loss of pleasure in all things ordinarily fun and nice.  The sufferer is left with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and sometimes self loathing.  A vicious cycle begins which renders the person suffering from Depression impaired in some or all areas of their life.  Daily tasks, which are normally automatic can become impossible.  Unfortunately, no amount of positive thinking or well intentioned advice will make those neurotransmitters function more efficiently.  Sufferers can not will their brain chemistry to change. 

Common statements made to sufferers of depression:

• You have to stop doing this to yourself or why are you doing this to yourself
• You need to snap out of this 
•  I just can’t deal with this anymore.
• If you just did XY or Z you would feel so much better
•  You need to get over this
• Toughen up  and pull it together 
• You have to get on with life
• I get down too sometimes, but I manage to get on with it
• You have no idea how hard this is for me.
• I don’t understand - I can’t imagine feeling the way you do.

Imagine replacing the illness Depression with Epilepsy or Diabetes - and imagine the sufferer hearing the same statements.  Depression is an illness that is not controlled by the sufferer. 

  

 There are several treatments for Depression - these are the most common.

•  Therapy
•  Therapy & Medication
•  Therapy & Medication & Hospitalization

There are a million different medications and another million medication combinations - not to mention natural and lifestyle related changes that aid in recovery.  Some sufferers respond well to medication, others do not.  Finding the right medication is often the most challenging aspect of treating depression.   Studies have shown that some people benefit from  a change in diet, increased exercise or light therapy.  Each person is different and will find benefit from different solutions. 

  

 MY STORY

95% of people who know me won’t know that I have struggled with Depression most of my life.  People would describe me as happy, outgoing, bubbly and positive.  Like many people suffering with Depression, I have an amazing ability to put on a “happy mask “ and present myself to the world, all the while I am crumbling inside.  I suffer from a Recurrent Major Depressive Illness.  I have suffered from severe depression since I was 11 years old.  I have had an episode of depression every three years since.  Each episode lasting approximately 9 months.  Fortunately I am currently experiencing the longest depression free period in my life.  I have not had an episode of depression in 7 years (miraculously).  7 years ago I was part of a research study through the Jewish General Hospital in Montreal where I received 18 months of weekly dynamic therapy and this has had a significant impact on my life.  I also continue to take a low dose of anti-depressants in order to prevent another episode.

LIVING WITH DEPRESSION

Depression follows a very predictable path for me.  It will start (unprompted) with insomnia, feeling low and very down on myself, this increases over a two or three week period - then BAM! I am suffering from full-blown depression!  I go from holding a responsible job, enjoying my social life, friends and family to wanting to end my life in a matter of weeks.  It literally feels as if I have been hit by a freight train. I am rendered helpless and basic daily functioning becomes almost impossible.  Unfortunately, I am not someone that tolerates medication well.  Having tried most modern medications available to treat Depression, there is only one or two that have successfully treated my symptoms.  The symptoms usually last for 9 months. I suddenly start to feel lighter, start seeing more clearly and literally my dulled sense of smell returns to normal and I  slowly piece my life back together, the depression is over.   I would not wish Depression on anyone.  It has caused major upheaval in my life.  It has had an effect on my ability to study, my career path and has had an impact on almost every relationship in my life. 

   

 WHY ME?

This is a question I have asked myself a million times.  The answer for me is fairly simple.  I have a genetic pre-disposition for Depression, just enough trauma in my childhood, combined with a sensitive personality type....et voila.

  WHY TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION

 I usually don’t share this information with people for fear of being judged.  I am aware that there is a stigma attached to mental illness.  I question if I will be misunderstood, and perhaps my fear will be realized, and people will assume that I’m crazy. 

I would like to let  others know that they are not crazy or alone and that there is no shame in suffering from Depression.  Asking for help is something you MUST DO -not should do.  You do not need to suffer alone.  I would like to help people understand that it effects people from every walk of life and that taking medication doesn’t mean that you are crazy or that something is wrong with you.

The most common thing I hear from non-sufferers is “I just don’t understand it”.   I want people to know that this is not a choice or something that a sufferer has control over.  Non-sufferers sometimes find it difficult to accept that you don’t need to understand it in order to support someone suffering from it.  I don’t need to understand the intricacies of Diabetes (or what it might feel like to have it) to understand that someone has it, and they need treatment.  Talking about Depression demystifies it.  Removing the shame associated with Depression will encourage sufferers to  seek out the help  they need and save lives!

WHAT NEXT?

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I don’t live in fear of this happening again.  Behind every new door that opens in life, I often wonder if depression lurks behind it.  I continue to take medication, learn new skills to deal with life’s ups and downs, taking care of my physical health and mind.  I am on a continuous path of learning. I have learn’t that stress is something that I should manage carefully.  I suspect that I will won’t be depression free forever, but I am more confident than ever that I am able to recognize it and treat it quickly.

IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

• Seek help - talk with your family doctor 
• Tell friends or family - don’t suffer alone
• If you are suicidal - tell someone - go straight to your nearest Emergency Room - there will be someone there that will help you - and they WILL take you seriously. 
• Reach out via a telephone helpline.  You are not alone.

IF YOU ARE SUPPORTING SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

• You may need to talk to someone too- this illness sometimes becomes a family secret that you are not permitted to share - find a professional  confidant if necessary to get some help.
• You are also not alone, there is often support groups available where you might find people to share with.
• It is not your job to fix your loved-one 
• By assisting the sufferer in finding help - this will assist you in realizing that it is not your responsibility to make this person well.
• If someone you love is getting help and you are concerned by there behavior - contact a professional
• You should never let yourself be the subject of abuse under any circumstances (depression is not an excuse to treat someone you love badly)
• If the person you love refuses help, don’t let this be a barrier to finding help for yourself.
• You will never love someone out of depression - no matter how much you want to
• Your love, support and patience is invaluable - even if nobody reminds you of this.
• Depression is almost always temporary - this too shall pass

I truly hope that I have done this subject justice as I realized that it is sometimes a matter of life or death.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to reach out (when you least feel like it).   If you love someone with depression or suffer from it yourself- please share this blog post.  Help expose the truth about mental illness and help save lives!