IS FEAR CAUSING YOU TO WORK TOO MUCH?

I usually write antidotal advice in my posts, but, unfortunately, I do not have any clarity or wisdom to impart when it comes to my current problem. This is not something that is easy to admit to. It is something that just makes me sad. 

 I have jumped into a big workaholic hole.  It’s actually more like a vortex than a hole.  Every time I start a new job I put my foot on the accelerator and I usually do not stop until I crash into a wall.  I often blog about slowing down and simplifying your life.  I have to admit that since starting a new job, I have been doing exactly opposite.  I have been working six and seven days a week. I am returning text messages at 10 pm at night, and my son reacted like I was a visiting aunt when I showed up at the park the other day.  He was so excited to show me everything he has mastered over the last two months and refused to let me push him on the swing, as only his nanny could do this properly.  Of course, a little part of me died when he rejected my efforts to help him.  

My son has become so accustomed to ordering take out.  One night I mustered up enough energy to throw a frozen pizza in the oven Mr 3 wanted to know when it was delivered.  This is of course a far cry from the balanced and nutritious meals my own mother cooked 365 days a year.  I no longer read books, call friends and family, do anything remotely recreational without having my blackberry within easy reach.  What has become of me?  I woke this morning  exhausted at 9.30 am.  My husband had taken my son to the park, and chatted with the moms and had coffee at a neighbors house.  All the while I was lying in bed nursing a migraine and totally exhausted, dreading that I have to start a training course tomorrow - on a Saturday.  

I am not known for doing things in half measures, but I wish I could push the pause button.  I had a father who was a workaholic, and   I remembered how his absence made me feel as a child.  I do not remember him eating dinner with us or tucking me in at night.  I grew up believing that was what dads did - they work all the time.  I do not want to teach my son that this is admirable or necessary to achieve things in life.  

Like everything, this is my choice.  I could leave work earlier; I could turn off my phone after 6pm or I could make a decision to enjoy the little (and sometimes ordinary) things with my son, rather than choosing to ride on the adrenaline wave of my job.  What is stopping me?  Fear is stopping me.  Fear that I will not be good enough, fear of not being recognized for what I do, fear that I won’t be able to achieve anything without applying the maximum amount of effort.  Fear of not being enough.  All the while I fear not being a good enough mother, not being a good enough wife and not being good enough to myself.  It astounds me how obscured priorities become when they are clouded by fear.

WHEN IS SOMEONE TOO SENSITIVE?

Children have such easy access to their emotions. It is baffling to see them burst into tears at the drop of a hat or when a fit of rage is triggered by a seemingly small problem. We rarely admire or praise children for their honesty when it comes to their emotions. We usually have some advice that discourages them from sharing how they feel. Like “you will be fine” or “it’s not that bad” or “you shouldn’t be so sensitive” or “you need to learn to defend yourself”. It is natural not to want to see children get hurt, so we encourage them to be less vulnerable.

As someone who has always been sensitive and easily hurt, I’m not sure what the answer is. I do wish, however, that being sensitive wasn’t always deemed as a character flaw. I recently read an article about people who are HSP (highly sensitive people) and discovered that they are more physically sensitive.  Their senses, such as touch, smell and hearing are also more sensitive. Approximately 15 to 20% of the population are HSP. A HSP is more likely to enjoy small gatherings, than noisy and crowded parties. They are also more perceptive than most people and are more likely to be intellectually gifted. They usually have more of an appreciation for nature and the arts.

The key for me has been learning to embrace that side of myself. I no longer apologize for being moody or sensitive or emotional (what my mother referred to as my artistic temperament). I have come to accept that I experience my emotions more intensely than most people – When I’m happy, I’m very happy and when I’m sad, I’m very sad. This is sometimes a gift, and sometimes it feels like a curse. Life is a little more difficult when you are less emotionally resilient, but I also believe that it is more colorful and exciting.

Next time you tell someone they are too sensitive, ask yourself if you are also telling them that they are too intuitive, too perceptive, too empathetic or too happy. Unfortunately, when you encourage someone to be less sensitive we are also encouraging them to be less themselves.