IN MEMORY OF MY MUM - RAISING FUNDS FOR CHOLANGIOCARCINOMA FOUNDATION

In honour of my mother

 

I am running the

Dubai Women’s 10K Run 

on 7th November, 2014 

Raising funds for the Cholangiocarinoma Foundation  

 

10 years ago tomorrow I lost my mother.  She was a vibrant woman in her 60s planning her next overseas adventure and thinking about retirement. She then had to go into hospital to have her gallbladder removed. This was such a standard procedure that she hadn't bothered to tell us that she was having the surgery.  Sadly my mother never left hospital.  

Eight weeks after having her gallbladder removed she died of a Cholangiocarcimoa, better known as Bile Duct Cancer.  It is one of the rarest and most aggressive forms of cancer.  It can strike anyone at any age and has an extremely low survival rate beyond one year.  By the time most people with this disease start to experience symptoms it is usually in it’s advanced stages.  Given its location within the body, bile duct cancers are often inoperable and conventional treatments such as radiation and chemotherapy are ineffective.  Whilst this cancer is rare it’s prevalence is increasing.  

 

The Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation is a not for profit organisation that supports suffers and research efforts.  They have made a wonderful contribution to research  and awareness into this form of Cancer, however require support to continue to find a cure.

 

If you would like to make a donation to this worthy cause, please click this link http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/nataliewickenden/dubaiholdingswomensrun

I'M BORED - WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING

It’s school holiday time, and my five-year old son has just become acquainted with the concept of boredom.  I hear on a daily basis “I’M BORED."  I remember as a child feeling the same way, especially during long holidays when my friends were already away.  In fact, I think I was often bored as a child.  My mother's response was always the same and always unsatisfactory…”Read a book.”. 

I started thinking about the last time I truly felt bored.  I cannot remember the last time I was bored, probably because I have many mindless pursuits that ensure my mind is constantly distracted from the idea of being bored.  Being bored requires being still for a moment, to be present and to acknowledge that we are not being stimulated.  

Am I the only person that has become addicted to actives that serve the sole purpose of distracting us from this uncomfortable feeling? I find myself mindlessly watching quality TV like “Forensic Investigation” or “Ice Road Truckers” or surfing the net for hours.  Am I bored? most likely!  Do I take the time to acknowledge my boredom, NO!  I convince myself that my internet research of “reality stars…where are they now” is not only necessary but important.  As an adult, I think we sometimes believe that being bored equates to being unproductive.  You may be reading this post and thinking, “I wish I had time to be bored."  This probably supports the idea that we busy ourselves, to avoid our own company.  The moments of stillness that would have been a natural part of daily life only a few decades ago is eaten up by responding to emails, texting, updating social media and the like, not to mention trying to balance family and work.

So I question, is being bored as an adult healthy? should we allow ourselves to feel bored? 

As it turns out, chronic boredom can lead to psychological and health related issues, the occasional bout of boredom, however, motivates us to pursue new goals and encourages creative thinking.  So put down your iPhone or iPad and turnoff the TV and just sit for a while. Perhaps you will start to plan your next great endeavour or just become more connected with your creative side or maybe find yourself a little more connected with yourself and those around you.

2014 - GIVING MORE OF MYSELF TO OTHERS!

Today I received a call whilst at work from someone who travels the world talking to children about sharks and tries to promote shark conservation.  He has spoken with over 20,000 students internationally.  These are free presentations given to students in an attempt to educate kids about protecting sharks.  I spoke with this shark researcher for about 30 seconds before redirecting him to someone whom I thought might be able to help him.   I could not help but be surprised by the scale of his voluntary efforts.  It was impressive to hear someone so driven by his passion and so willing to dedicate his time to this cause.

It got me thinking about what is important to me. I feel passionate about many things.  I have always cared deeply about those less fortunate than me, and I have made some modest efforts in my life to help those people. I have always felt the urge to do more.  I went to the Millennium Summit in Montreal a few years ago and heard Mia Farrow speak of the atrocities in Darfur.  After visiting Sudan, Mia discussed how she felt a sense of responsibility to tell the world what was happening there.  It touched me as she was using her voice (and celebrity) to speak for those in horrific circumstances and urged the world to take action.  At the summit Desmond Tutu spoke about hope and how individuals  can make a difference in the lives of others.

It is easy to take a passive course of action when confronted by people that need help.  It is easy to reach into your wallet and donate $10.  It is not as easy to make a commitment that involves sacrificing your own time to help someone.   Allowing a cause to take up time and emotional space in your life is far more confronting that giving a credit card number to your favorite charity. 

I have witnessed extreme suffering and poverty in Indonesia & Southern Africa. These experiences left me with a deep desire to make a difference in the lives of others.  Slowly as I readjusted to my comfortable life in suburbia, those memories became less jarring and my desire to help change the world became a simmering thought in the back of my mind.

I have travelled to every continent in the world.  I believe that this opportunity also comes with the responsibility of not forgetting what you see. I have a personal responsibility to speak for those without a voice.  I feel compelled to  act and allow what I am passionate about to take up space in my life.  2014 will be the year of me giving more of myself to others….watch this space…..

A LETTER TO MY 13 YEAR OLD SELF

You will be more beautiful than you will ever realize.  Do not waste a second worrying about what others think of you.  Learn to trust your own intuition it is strong and it will guide you.  This is one of the gifts of being a woman.  You will be courageous and fearless in your pursuit of what is right and what is just.  You are a kind, funny, and compassionate girl.  These traits will grow and develop as you grow into a woman. 

Do not mistake sexuality for power, as this type of power is short lived. Your true power comes from your compassion, tenacity and determination.  Do not mistake physical affection for love.  Love is much more!  Do not seek physical affection in order to feel love or value, as it may compromise the love you have for yourself. 

Love and appreciate the body that God gives you, it will carry you through this life.  Take care of your body, nourish your body and cherish its uniqueness.  Love your curves (really love your curves).  Avoid women’s fashion magazines - they will not nourish your soul and will create feelings of inadequacy.  Do not compare yourself to other women, this is a never ending battle that you will never win.  You are unique.  You are more than your physical appearance. Your body and your appearance are not your value; your loving heart, mind and inner strength are what will define you. 

Being a woman is exciting, you get to share the camaraderie of other wonderful women.  Do not judge other women.  We are all on the same path.  We need to work together and support each other to make the journey a little easier.   Have fun with being a woman, wear pretty, sexy and sometime ridiculous clothes. Occasionally buy more shoes or handbags than your budget permits.  If necessary choose beautiful shoes over comfort sometimes and never apologize for being feminine.  In the famous words of Lee Ann Womack “And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.   Dance....I hope you dance.”

STOP BUYING STUFF YOU DON'T NEED

Simple living is something I’m passionate about as it resonates in such a deep place for me. Unfortunately, my desire to live a more minimalist life is challenged by my troubling desire to buy stuff.  Until recently,  I had been working 60 to 70 hours per week. I literally did not step inside a mall for more than eight months.  The last thing on my mind was spending money, so much so that I didn’t bother banking my salary cheques until one had almost expired (much to my husbands astonishment).  It was not about the money. I was driven by my desire to succeed.  All that being said; I have recently resigned from my high stress job and I’ve had quite a bit of extra time on my hands.  I have gone from spending nothing to wanting to buy every shiny thing I see.  I know this is in direct correlation with my sense of purpose.  I need to feel useful, so I create needs that can only be satisfied (at least in my mind) by spending money.  You would be amazed at how important buying new place-mats becomes when you don’t have a lot to do.  It is instant gratification!  It also seems more justifiable if it is for the household or someone else.  If I personally have nothing to show for my spending, and I did not benefit from it directly, then I can hardly be selfish by spending our hard earned cash.

Unfortunately, when we use stuff to fill a deeper need in our life, it does not matter if you have a little or a lot of money, you cheat yourself out of the opportunity to take care of yourself in a loving and nurturing way.  When you use stuff, it has the opposite effect, it is so inadequate in providing us with fulfillment that it creates more unhappiness, which perpetuates the behavior driving us into a bigger hole.  Slowly becoming divorced from the idea that you are capable of giving yourself what you need. You become dependent on the stuff.  While I’m not quite there yet, I have been in the past.  I  don’t want to be in that place again.  It is so far removed from who I am and what I want or need for that matter.

In December we took our 3.5 yr old son to Disneyland in Paris and the day we were leaving, I asked him what he enjoyed most about Disneyland. He took a moment to think about it and then responded with “jumping in puddles”.  On my quest for simplicity,  I can only hope that I enjoy jumping in puddles again.  Like me you might like to take a moment over the next week and just ask yourself “why am I buying this?”, “do I need this?”, “is there an alternative way to meet this need?”  You may be amazed by the answers.

AGING DISTASTEFULLY

I’m angry that I am 40.  I feel like I’ve suddenly been cheated out of being young.  In your 30s, you are still under the impression that you will not have to face aging for some time.  When you hit 40, there is immediate evidence that you are no longer young.  Friends start talking about bucket lists, and the GP is forever checking your cholesterol.  I have been 40 for the last nine months, and I feel as if I’ve spent that time kicking and screaming and unwilling to relinquish my thirties.  I’m not in denial - I am just mad! 

In the media,  we now hear that 40 is the new 30 or that life begins at 40 - what a load of garbage!  I’ve always been a late bloomer; I started university at 27, had my son at 37.  I don’t think that I’m ready to be 40.  At 40, you are suppose to have achieved something with your life, you should be on the road to making an impact in this world.  I just don’t feel like I’m there yet, or even want to be there yet.  My dermatologist constantly reminds me that the spots on my skin are due to aging.  My short sightedness has improved - apparently due to aging, I’ve been told that I need to keep my blood pressure in check. You are in your thirties living the dream, and then BAM you have high blood pressure, your eyes are deteriorating, and you need to take new measures to avoid dying an early death.  I use to want to be healthy so I would look hot.  I now want to live well to stay alive. I have always suspected that I wouldn’t age gracefully, I secretly hope that I will age disgracefully, wearing inappropriate clothing in my 60s and chasing down fellow widowers in my 80s. 

I could try and adopt a new attitude - ‘it is just a number’, or ‘you are as old as you think you are’, but I’m just not feeling it.  I don’t seem to be able to embrace the aging process. I read a draft version of this post to my husband he thought it was all doom and gloom and hoped for a happy ending.  I suppose the happy ending is that I am 40, and I am alive and healthy. I have a great family, a wonderful and exciting life and with age comes wisdom. I am sure that when I reach 55 or 60 I will look back at 40 and wonder what on earth I was complaining about.(Inshallah)

THE GOOD WIFE

Growing up I remember my mother was a ‘good wife’.  She was married in 1959 and automatically became a housewife when she had her first child in the early 60s.  She was a housewife for 22 years. Life was predictable in my house.  My mother dutifully took care of the home, laundry and volunteered for school events.   My father spoke to her sternly if one of his shirts wasn’t ironed.  There was an expectation that she would fulfill this role.  The women’s liberation movement didn’t make it out to the Sydney suburbs in the 60s and 70s.   

I knew one thing about the type of women I wanted to be when I grew up, and that was I DIDN’T WANT TO BE MY MOTHER!  I wanted to be SOOOO much more.  I didn’t want to play that role - NOT EVER!  I expected that my life would be more important than that.  I vowed that I would never allow a man to expect anything from me.  In my house,  all chores would be divided equally, and there would be no specific gender roles.  I wouldn’t allow this to happen to me.

Looking back, my mother actually seemed to enjoy that role.  She took pride in her work.  She was good at what she did.  She made it very clear that she never wanted to work full time.  This of course was unimaginable to me, who saw her as a domestic prisoner.

Fast-forward to 2013 and I have a husband, a three year old and house to take care of.  For many years,  I have dedicated as little effort as possible to housework.  This is partly because there are a million things I would rather be doing and partly because of what it represents to me. Ironically I expect a lot from my loving husband.  I expect him to be aware of my needs, a loving father who is present for his son whenever possible and someone with whom I share the work load of running a household with.  On the flip side, I expect him to expect nothing.  If he expects me to cook dinner he would be a sexist pig and heaven forbid if he was to expect me to iron something.  But is this really the wife I want to be or do I want to be a ‘good wife’.  I now realize that being a ‘good wife’ really has little to do with gender equality.  Being a good wife is creating your own definition of how you plan to contribute  to the overall happiness of your family and your partnership with your spouse. 

Is being a good wife a bad thing? Trying to be a better wife sounds terribly old fashion, but trying to be more aware of my families needs and creating a loving home environment where we can share our time together sounds like a great idea.  Being aware of my husbands needs and being the sort of spouse I would like to have - this will help create the type of family I want. My mother and I may have grown up in different times, however, ultimately we both want the same thing.  A warm home, loving family and someone to share it with.  I'm pretty sure that I will never be a domestic goddess, but, I do want to be a good wife.