AGING DISTASTEFULLY

I’m angry that I am 40.  I feel like I’ve suddenly been cheated out of being young.  In your 30s, you are still under the impression that you will not have to face aging for some time.  When you hit 40, there is immediate evidence that you are no longer young.  Friends start talking about bucket lists, and the GP is forever checking your cholesterol.  I have been 40 for the last nine months, and I feel as if I’ve spent that time kicking and screaming and unwilling to relinquish my thirties.  I’m not in denial - I am just mad! 

In the media,  we now hear that 40 is the new 30 or that life begins at 40 - what a load of garbage!  I’ve always been a late bloomer; I started university at 27, had my son at 37.  I don’t think that I’m ready to be 40.  At 40, you are suppose to have achieved something with your life, you should be on the road to making an impact in this world.  I just don’t feel like I’m there yet, or even want to be there yet.  My dermatologist constantly reminds me that the spots on my skin are due to aging.  My short sightedness has improved - apparently due to aging, I’ve been told that I need to keep my blood pressure in check. You are in your thirties living the dream, and then BAM you have high blood pressure, your eyes are deteriorating, and you need to take new measures to avoid dying an early death.  I use to want to be healthy so I would look hot.  I now want to live well to stay alive. I have always suspected that I wouldn’t age gracefully, I secretly hope that I will age disgracefully, wearing inappropriate clothing in my 60s and chasing down fellow widowers in my 80s. 

I could try and adopt a new attitude - ‘it is just a number’, or ‘you are as old as you think you are’, but I’m just not feeling it.  I don’t seem to be able to embrace the aging process. I read a draft version of this post to my husband he thought it was all doom and gloom and hoped for a happy ending.  I suppose the happy ending is that I am 40, and I am alive and healthy. I have a great family, a wonderful and exciting life and with age comes wisdom. I am sure that when I reach 55 or 60 I will look back at 40 and wonder what on earth I was complaining about.(Inshallah)