THE GOOD WIFE

Growing up I remember my mother was a ‘good wife’.  She was married in 1959 and automatically became a housewife when she had her first child in the early 60s.  She was a housewife for 22 years. Life was predictable in my house.  My mother dutifully took care of the home, laundry and volunteered for school events.   My father spoke to her sternly if one of his shirts wasn’t ironed.  There was an expectation that she would fulfill this role.  The women’s liberation movement didn’t make it out to the Sydney suburbs in the 60s and 70s.   

I knew one thing about the type of women I wanted to be when I grew up, and that was I DIDN’T WANT TO BE MY MOTHER!  I wanted to be SOOOO much more.  I didn’t want to play that role - NOT EVER!  I expected that my life would be more important than that.  I vowed that I would never allow a man to expect anything from me.  In my house,  all chores would be divided equally, and there would be no specific gender roles.  I wouldn’t allow this to happen to me.

Looking back, my mother actually seemed to enjoy that role.  She took pride in her work.  She was good at what she did.  She made it very clear that she never wanted to work full time.  This of course was unimaginable to me, who saw her as a domestic prisoner.

Fast-forward to 2013 and I have a husband, a three year old and house to take care of.  For many years,  I have dedicated as little effort as possible to housework.  This is partly because there are a million things I would rather be doing and partly because of what it represents to me. Ironically I expect a lot from my loving husband.  I expect him to be aware of my needs, a loving father who is present for his son whenever possible and someone with whom I share the work load of running a household with.  On the flip side, I expect him to expect nothing.  If he expects me to cook dinner he would be a sexist pig and heaven forbid if he was to expect me to iron something.  But is this really the wife I want to be or do I want to be a ‘good wife’.  I now realize that being a ‘good wife’ really has little to do with gender equality.  Being a good wife is creating your own definition of how you plan to contribute  to the overall happiness of your family and your partnership with your spouse. 

Is being a good wife a bad thing? Trying to be a better wife sounds terribly old fashion, but trying to be more aware of my families needs and creating a loving home environment where we can share our time together sounds like a great idea.  Being aware of my husbands needs and being the sort of spouse I would like to have - this will help create the type of family I want. My mother and I may have grown up in different times, however, ultimately we both want the same thing.  A warm home, loving family and someone to share it with.  I'm pretty sure that I will never be a domestic goddess, but, I do want to be a good wife.

DEPRESSION - MY PAINFUL TRUTH

UNDERSTANDING DEPRESSION

Here is my very basic explanation (and non medical).  Neurotransmitters in your brain are not functioning on all cylinders.  This means the chemicals in your brain that trigger all things pleasurable, fun and happy are impaired.  This results in a loss of pleasure in all things ordinarily fun and nice.  The sufferer is left with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and sometimes self loathing.  A vicious cycle begins which renders the person suffering from Depression impaired in some or all areas of their life.  Daily tasks, which are normally automatic can become impossible.  Unfortunately, no amount of positive thinking or well intentioned advice will make those neurotransmitters function more efficiently.  Sufferers can not will their brain chemistry to change. 

Common statements made to sufferers of depression:

• You have to stop doing this to yourself or why are you doing this to yourself
• You need to snap out of this 
•  I just can’t deal with this anymore.
• If you just did XY or Z you would feel so much better
•  You need to get over this
• Toughen up  and pull it together 
• You have to get on with life
• I get down too sometimes, but I manage to get on with it
• You have no idea how hard this is for me.
• I don’t understand - I can’t imagine feeling the way you do.

Imagine replacing the illness Depression with Epilepsy or Diabetes - and imagine the sufferer hearing the same statements.  Depression is an illness that is not controlled by the sufferer. 

  

 There are several treatments for Depression - these are the most common.

•  Therapy
•  Therapy & Medication
•  Therapy & Medication & Hospitalization

There are a million different medications and another million medication combinations - not to mention natural and lifestyle related changes that aid in recovery.  Some sufferers respond well to medication, others do not.  Finding the right medication is often the most challenging aspect of treating depression.   Studies have shown that some people benefit from  a change in diet, increased exercise or light therapy.  Each person is different and will find benefit from different solutions. 

  

 MY STORY

95% of people who know me won’t know that I have struggled with Depression most of my life.  People would describe me as happy, outgoing, bubbly and positive.  Like many people suffering with Depression, I have an amazing ability to put on a “happy mask “ and present myself to the world, all the while I am crumbling inside.  I suffer from a Recurrent Major Depressive Illness.  I have suffered from severe depression since I was 11 years old.  I have had an episode of depression every three years since.  Each episode lasting approximately 9 months.  Fortunately I am currently experiencing the longest depression free period in my life.  I have not had an episode of depression in 7 years (miraculously).  7 years ago I was part of a research study through the Jewish General Hospital in Montreal where I received 18 months of weekly dynamic therapy and this has had a significant impact on my life.  I also continue to take a low dose of anti-depressants in order to prevent another episode.

LIVING WITH DEPRESSION

Depression follows a very predictable path for me.  It will start (unprompted) with insomnia, feeling low and very down on myself, this increases over a two or three week period - then BAM! I am suffering from full-blown depression!  I go from holding a responsible job, enjoying my social life, friends and family to wanting to end my life in a matter of weeks.  It literally feels as if I have been hit by a freight train. I am rendered helpless and basic daily functioning becomes almost impossible.  Unfortunately, I am not someone that tolerates medication well.  Having tried most modern medications available to treat Depression, there is only one or two that have successfully treated my symptoms.  The symptoms usually last for 9 months. I suddenly start to feel lighter, start seeing more clearly and literally my dulled sense of smell returns to normal and I  slowly piece my life back together, the depression is over.   I would not wish Depression on anyone.  It has caused major upheaval in my life.  It has had an effect on my ability to study, my career path and has had an impact on almost every relationship in my life. 

   

 WHY ME?

This is a question I have asked myself a million times.  The answer for me is fairly simple.  I have a genetic pre-disposition for Depression, just enough trauma in my childhood, combined with a sensitive personality type....et voila.

  WHY TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION

 I usually don’t share this information with people for fear of being judged.  I am aware that there is a stigma attached to mental illness.  I question if I will be misunderstood, and perhaps my fear will be realized, and people will assume that I’m crazy. 

I would like to let  others know that they are not crazy or alone and that there is no shame in suffering from Depression.  Asking for help is something you MUST DO -not should do.  You do not need to suffer alone.  I would like to help people understand that it effects people from every walk of life and that taking medication doesn’t mean that you are crazy or that something is wrong with you.

The most common thing I hear from non-sufferers is “I just don’t understand it”.   I want people to know that this is not a choice or something that a sufferer has control over.  Non-sufferers sometimes find it difficult to accept that you don’t need to understand it in order to support someone suffering from it.  I don’t need to understand the intricacies of Diabetes (or what it might feel like to have it) to understand that someone has it, and they need treatment.  Talking about Depression demystifies it.  Removing the shame associated with Depression will encourage sufferers to  seek out the help  they need and save lives!

WHAT NEXT?

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I don’t live in fear of this happening again.  Behind every new door that opens in life, I often wonder if depression lurks behind it.  I continue to take medication, learn new skills to deal with life’s ups and downs, taking care of my physical health and mind.  I am on a continuous path of learning. I have learn’t that stress is something that I should manage carefully.  I suspect that I will won’t be depression free forever, but I am more confident than ever that I am able to recognize it and treat it quickly.

IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

• Seek help - talk with your family doctor 
• Tell friends or family - don’t suffer alone
• If you are suicidal - tell someone - go straight to your nearest Emergency Room - there will be someone there that will help you - and they WILL take you seriously. 
• Reach out via a telephone helpline.  You are not alone.

IF YOU ARE SUPPORTING SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

• You may need to talk to someone too- this illness sometimes becomes a family secret that you are not permitted to share - find a professional  confidant if necessary to get some help.
• You are also not alone, there is often support groups available where you might find people to share with.
• It is not your job to fix your loved-one 
• By assisting the sufferer in finding help - this will assist you in realizing that it is not your responsibility to make this person well.
• If someone you love is getting help and you are concerned by there behavior - contact a professional
• You should never let yourself be the subject of abuse under any circumstances (depression is not an excuse to treat someone you love badly)
• If the person you love refuses help, don’t let this be a barrier to finding help for yourself.
• You will never love someone out of depression - no matter how much you want to
• Your love, support and patience is invaluable - even if nobody reminds you of this.
• Depression is almost always temporary - this too shall pass

I truly hope that I have done this subject justice as I realized that it is sometimes a matter of life or death.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to reach out (when you least feel like it).   If you love someone with depression or suffer from it yourself- please share this blog post.  Help expose the truth about mental illness and help save lives!

IS FEAR CAUSING YOU TO WORK TOO MUCH?

I usually write antidotal advice in my posts, but, unfortunately, I do not have any clarity or wisdom to impart when it comes to my current problem. This is not something that is easy to admit to. It is something that just makes me sad. 

 I have jumped into a big workaholic hole.  It’s actually more like a vortex than a hole.  Every time I start a new job I put my foot on the accelerator and I usually do not stop until I crash into a wall.  I often blog about slowing down and simplifying your life.  I have to admit that since starting a new job, I have been doing exactly opposite.  I have been working six and seven days a week. I am returning text messages at 10 pm at night, and my son reacted like I was a visiting aunt when I showed up at the park the other day.  He was so excited to show me everything he has mastered over the last two months and refused to let me push him on the swing, as only his nanny could do this properly.  Of course, a little part of me died when he rejected my efforts to help him.  

My son has become so accustomed to ordering take out.  One night I mustered up enough energy to throw a frozen pizza in the oven Mr 3 wanted to know when it was delivered.  This is of course a far cry from the balanced and nutritious meals my own mother cooked 365 days a year.  I no longer read books, call friends and family, do anything remotely recreational without having my blackberry within easy reach.  What has become of me?  I woke this morning  exhausted at 9.30 am.  My husband had taken my son to the park, and chatted with the moms and had coffee at a neighbors house.  All the while I was lying in bed nursing a migraine and totally exhausted, dreading that I have to start a training course tomorrow - on a Saturday.  

I am not known for doing things in half measures, but I wish I could push the pause button.  I had a father who was a workaholic, and   I remembered how his absence made me feel as a child.  I do not remember him eating dinner with us or tucking me in at night.  I grew up believing that was what dads did - they work all the time.  I do not want to teach my son that this is admirable or necessary to achieve things in life.  

Like everything, this is my choice.  I could leave work earlier; I could turn off my phone after 6pm or I could make a decision to enjoy the little (and sometimes ordinary) things with my son, rather than choosing to ride on the adrenaline wave of my job.  What is stopping me?  Fear is stopping me.  Fear that I will not be good enough, fear of not being recognized for what I do, fear that I won’t be able to achieve anything without applying the maximum amount of effort.  Fear of not being enough.  All the while I fear not being a good enough mother, not being a good enough wife and not being good enough to myself.  It astounds me how obscured priorities become when they are clouded by fear.

WHEN IS SOMEONE TOO SENSITIVE?

Children have such easy access to their emotions. It is baffling to see them burst into tears at the drop of a hat or when a fit of rage is triggered by a seemingly small problem. We rarely admire or praise children for their honesty when it comes to their emotions. We usually have some advice that discourages them from sharing how they feel. Like “you will be fine” or “it’s not that bad” or “you shouldn’t be so sensitive” or “you need to learn to defend yourself”. It is natural not to want to see children get hurt, so we encourage them to be less vulnerable.

As someone who has always been sensitive and easily hurt, I’m not sure what the answer is. I do wish, however, that being sensitive wasn’t always deemed as a character flaw. I recently read an article about people who are HSP (highly sensitive people) and discovered that they are more physically sensitive.  Their senses, such as touch, smell and hearing are also more sensitive. Approximately 15 to 20% of the population are HSP. A HSP is more likely to enjoy small gatherings, than noisy and crowded parties. They are also more perceptive than most people and are more likely to be intellectually gifted. They usually have more of an appreciation for nature and the arts.

The key for me has been learning to embrace that side of myself. I no longer apologize for being moody or sensitive or emotional (what my mother referred to as my artistic temperament). I have come to accept that I experience my emotions more intensely than most people – When I’m happy, I’m very happy and when I’m sad, I’m very sad. This is sometimes a gift, and sometimes it feels like a curse. Life is a little more difficult when you are less emotionally resilient, but I also believe that it is more colorful and exciting.

Next time you tell someone they are too sensitive, ask yourself if you are also telling them that they are too intuitive, too perceptive, too empathetic or too happy. Unfortunately, when you encourage someone to be less sensitive we are also encouraging them to be less themselves.

WHY WEIGHT? LOVE YOURSELF TODAY!

In my lifetime, I’ve been fat, and I’ve been really thin and a lot of sizes in between. Sadly this has probably been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I say sadly because it has been my choice. I have chosen to equate my value as a women based on my dress size or what the scales say. I have chosen to obsess over this and at times allowed it to consume my every thought. This of course has been a terrible waste of energy, heartache and time. I know, however, that I am not alone. In fact, most women use their physical appearance as a measure of their value from time to time (if not all the time).

As women we often find fault with the media, our parents, men or society as a whole; however this is a choice. We as women choose to diminish ourselves each time we say “i’m not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough”. To be honest, I am exhausted, I can no longer suck in my stomach when I walk into a room, or tell myself that I will do something next month when I have lost a few kilos. “I will live my life when I get to a size 6”. I want to live my life now! 

I have recently explored the idea of “what if this is it?”. What if this is the best I am ever going to look? What if I knew with absolute certainty that I am never going to lose or gain another kilo? How would I live my life? This proved to be an enlightening question for me, because if it were true I would take better care of myself, be kinder to myself and probably love and accept myself a little more. I would buy myself clothes that made me feel great today (not when I lose 2 dress sizes). 

It is impossible to accept yourself as you are if you are constantly striving for more. It is difficult to have gratitude when you are always looking at what you don’t have. Today as a beautiful and empowered woman I choose to be grateful for my body and my mind. I choose to step into the world valuing everything I have and not everything I want.

ANGER MISMANAGEMENT?

Last night I had an enormous disagreement with my husband. I totally flew off the handle, which I only do a few times a year (much to my husbands delight). When he left the room, I found myself staring out the kitchen window, seething with anger. “How dare he” was the first thing to come to mind and “how insensitive”. I then miraculously had a moment of clarity (amidst my muttering of insults). “Why am I so angry?” I realized my anger was directly proportionate to my inability to assert myself. 

When I feel powerless or unable to articulate my feelings, I feel very angry. The same way my two and half year old son sometimes feels. Especially when he can’t be understood or can’t express his emotions. The anger is directed at the person who provoked these unpleasant feelings, however, the cause is the feeling of powerlessness. Realizing, in the heat of the moment, my problem solving strategies is the same as my toddlers is a revelation. 

I am currently teaching my child to deal with uncomfortable feelings and problem solving. When I see a tantrum coming on, I often say “use your words, tell mommy what you need/want”. Interestingly I could use my own advice. Fortunately this is something that is within my control. I don’t need to carry anger around with me. I just need to use my words.

Is your inability to express your feelings or needs feeding anger and resentment?

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you say yes when you mean no?

Are you tolerating unacceptable behavior?

How would your relationships differ if you could articulate what you need?

I found some helpful tips at:

http://www.assertiveness.org.uk/assertiveness_managing_feelings.html

HOW NOT TO BE THE PERFECT PARENT

I like to do things well (recovering perfectionist) and I was determined to get this whole parenting thing right! Before having children (of course), I foolishly imagined that I would one day be the perfect parent. I looked forward to the day that I could guide my little angel on the right path to success and provide him with every opportunity. I would scoff at other parents that didn’t seem to have their children under control. I knew that thanks to my insight and serious approach to parenting, my little darling would never behave in such a way. 

I am now aware that this idea was close to delusional and that I was being a judgmental cow. My calm angelic infant is now in the terrible two phase. My once calm, compliant little munchkin is like a teenager in a 2 1/2 year old body. Today the teacher at his nursery school pulled me aside to inform me that he appears to take pleasure in destroying other children’s projects. She gave me a few handy hints on how to teach empathy. So he is  a sociopathic teenager in a 2 1/2 year old body. 

In my best attempts to raise my little darling, I have made the decision not to spank or raise my voice to him. I have allowed no violent cartoons and no playing with toy guns. I have spent many hours discussing what is right and wrong (yes I know) Which I still stand by (just my choice), however, to my surprise, my values as a parents didn’t turn him into the perfect child I had anticipated. Predictably he is a perfectly normal two year old. He doesn’t share, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. He pushes other children. He throws tantrums like nobody's business and he is that feral kid running around the supermarket. 75% of the time I absolutely have no control over him. As far as me being the perfect mother goes, Its 6pm and I haven’t prepared dinner tonight, instead; I keep feeding him crackers. He doesn’t have any clean pyjamas, so I will probably send him to bed in shorts and a t-shirt. 

I now understand why my mother chased me around the house with a wooden spoon. I now understand why people yell at their kids (like I occasionally do). I wish I had the fortitude to enforce my 30 mins of TV watching a day, but the truth is that sometimes I’m incredibly happy when he is engrossed in TV. I wish I could always be consistent, but I’m a softy who tends to cave more often than I would like. We do whatever works and whatever we have the energy for that day. There are some days that are better than others - sometimes you cook like Martha Stewart and sometimes you get take-out. Sometimes you have the patience of a saint, and sometimes you want to throw yourself under a bus. It is all part of the human experience It has nothing do with perfection and I wouldn’t change a thing!

• If we try to perfect our children - they will always disappoint us.
• If we compare ourselves to other parents - we will always fail as we only see the best of what they have to offer.
• If we use our own childhood as a yardstick - we run the risk of not creating something new and special.

• Be compassionate with yourself - you are doing an awesome job.
• Be compassionate with your kids - they REALLY do try to be good.
• Be compassionate with other parents - they REALLY are doing their best.
• Be humbled by what our own parents achieved - despite their imperfections.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - ENJOY EVERY SMALL MESSED UP MOMENT OF THIS EXPERIENCE, AS IT WILL PASS BY SO QUICKLY.