WHY WEIGHT? LOVE YOURSELF TODAY!

In my lifetime, I’ve been fat, and I’ve been really thin and a lot of sizes in between. Sadly this has probably been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I say sadly because it has been my choice. I have chosen to equate my value as a women based on my dress size or what the scales say. I have chosen to obsess over this and at times allowed it to consume my every thought. This of course has been a terrible waste of energy, heartache and time. I know, however, that I am not alone. In fact, most women use their physical appearance as a measure of their value from time to time (if not all the time).

As women we often find fault with the media, our parents, men or society as a whole; however this is a choice. We as women choose to diminish ourselves each time we say “i’m not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough”. To be honest, I am exhausted, I can no longer suck in my stomach when I walk into a room, or tell myself that I will do something next month when I have lost a few kilos. “I will live my life when I get to a size 6”. I want to live my life now! 

I have recently explored the idea of “what if this is it?”. What if this is the best I am ever going to look? What if I knew with absolute certainty that I am never going to lose or gain another kilo? How would I live my life? This proved to be an enlightening question for me, because if it were true I would take better care of myself, be kinder to myself and probably love and accept myself a little more. I would buy myself clothes that made me feel great today (not when I lose 2 dress sizes). 

It is impossible to accept yourself as you are if you are constantly striving for more. It is difficult to have gratitude when you are always looking at what you don’t have. Today as a beautiful and empowered woman I choose to be grateful for my body and my mind. I choose to step into the world valuing everything I have and not everything I want.

ANGER MISMANAGEMENT?

Last night I had an enormous disagreement with my husband. I totally flew off the handle, which I only do a few times a year (much to my husbands delight). When he left the room, I found myself staring out the kitchen window, seething with anger. “How dare he” was the first thing to come to mind and “how insensitive”. I then miraculously had a moment of clarity (amidst my muttering of insults). “Why am I so angry?” I realized my anger was directly proportionate to my inability to assert myself. 

When I feel powerless or unable to articulate my feelings, I feel very angry. The same way my two and half year old son sometimes feels. Especially when he can’t be understood or can’t express his emotions. The anger is directed at the person who provoked these unpleasant feelings, however, the cause is the feeling of powerlessness. Realizing, in the heat of the moment, my problem solving strategies is the same as my toddlers is a revelation. 

I am currently teaching my child to deal with uncomfortable feelings and problem solving. When I see a tantrum coming on, I often say “use your words, tell mommy what you need/want”. Interestingly I could use my own advice. Fortunately this is something that is within my control. I don’t need to carry anger around with me. I just need to use my words.

Is your inability to express your feelings or needs feeding anger and resentment?

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you say yes when you mean no?

Are you tolerating unacceptable behavior?

How would your relationships differ if you could articulate what you need?

I found some helpful tips at:

http://www.assertiveness.org.uk/assertiveness_managing_feelings.html

HOW NOT TO BE THE PERFECT PARENT

I like to do things well (recovering perfectionist) and I was determined to get this whole parenting thing right! Before having children (of course), I foolishly imagined that I would one day be the perfect parent. I looked forward to the day that I could guide my little angel on the right path to success and provide him with every opportunity. I would scoff at other parents that didn’t seem to have their children under control. I knew that thanks to my insight and serious approach to parenting, my little darling would never behave in such a way. 

I am now aware that this idea was close to delusional and that I was being a judgmental cow. My calm angelic infant is now in the terrible two phase. My once calm, compliant little munchkin is like a teenager in a 2 1/2 year old body. Today the teacher at his nursery school pulled me aside to inform me that he appears to take pleasure in destroying other children’s projects. She gave me a few handy hints on how to teach empathy. So he is  a sociopathic teenager in a 2 1/2 year old body. 

In my best attempts to raise my little darling, I have made the decision not to spank or raise my voice to him. I have allowed no violent cartoons and no playing with toy guns. I have spent many hours discussing what is right and wrong (yes I know) Which I still stand by (just my choice), however, to my surprise, my values as a parents didn’t turn him into the perfect child I had anticipated. Predictably he is a perfectly normal two year old. He doesn’t share, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. He pushes other children. He throws tantrums like nobody's business and he is that feral kid running around the supermarket. 75% of the time I absolutely have no control over him. As far as me being the perfect mother goes, Its 6pm and I haven’t prepared dinner tonight, instead; I keep feeding him crackers. He doesn’t have any clean pyjamas, so I will probably send him to bed in shorts and a t-shirt. 

I now understand why my mother chased me around the house with a wooden spoon. I now understand why people yell at their kids (like I occasionally do). I wish I had the fortitude to enforce my 30 mins of TV watching a day, but the truth is that sometimes I’m incredibly happy when he is engrossed in TV. I wish I could always be consistent, but I’m a softy who tends to cave more often than I would like. We do whatever works and whatever we have the energy for that day. There are some days that are better than others - sometimes you cook like Martha Stewart and sometimes you get take-out. Sometimes you have the patience of a saint, and sometimes you want to throw yourself under a bus. It is all part of the human experience It has nothing do with perfection and I wouldn’t change a thing!

• If we try to perfect our children - they will always disappoint us.
• If we compare ourselves to other parents - we will always fail as we only see the best of what they have to offer.
• If we use our own childhood as a yardstick - we run the risk of not creating something new and special.

• Be compassionate with yourself - you are doing an awesome job.
• Be compassionate with your kids - they REALLY do try to be good.
• Be compassionate with other parents - they REALLY are doing their best.
• Be humbled by what our own parents achieved - despite their imperfections.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - ENJOY EVERY SMALL MESSED UP MOMENT OF THIS EXPERIENCE, AS IT WILL PASS BY SO QUICKLY.

Acceptance

This week I have struggled with the ability to accept... acceptance, simply accepting what we have and not wanting more. Try as I might, I can not make people the way I want them to be (or need them to be)! Fortunately acceptance resides within us. If we are able to accept ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly, we are also able to accept others as whole human beings. We often require more from our relationships, more material goods and more from ourselves. I used to associate acceptance with mediocrity. I worried that if I stopped wanting then I would stop achieving. However, I now realize that the opposite is true.

“Out beyond ideas and wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field.  I will meet you there.”  - Rumi

FINDING THE COURAGE TO BE YOURSELF

I was going to write a generic blog today with a catchy title in order to increase readership. However after some reflection I realized that this is not why I began to blog in the first place. I wanted to speak my truth. I think as a life coach there is sometimes a temptation to appear as if you have it all figured out.  Well I don't and I want to share some of my misgivings and vulnerabilities in order to help others achieve some clarity around similar issues. Each time I blog it is therapeutic and terrifying at the same time. My efforts to be 100% authentic are sometimes threatened by my desire to please people. Most of the time I manage to resist the urge to please.

Why is it so difficult for us to be sincerely our self. It is difficult not relying on emotional or physical barriers, or use fashion, statement, or status pieces to send a message about who we are (or would like to be). Be strong enough to avoid the temptation of using humor or indifference as a defense. To just be! To be comfortable walking to the store without make-up, to be comfortable saying no if we feel overwhelmed, to be brave enough to accept rejection. Telling someone that we are not ok and that we need comforting and support. It seems so much easier (at least for me) to be stoic and somewhat aloof than be 100% myself. I would love to be able to walk down the road and subdue my negative self talk. Just long enough to realize that people don’t have a strong opinion about how my hair looks or care if my bag matches my outfit. 

Do these issues just plague women or do men sometimes feel the same vulnerabilities? I have noticed that I meet very few people who are truly themselves. It is extremely obvious when you meet these people because you immediately get the sense that you can see their soul. They exude innocence, vulnerability and come from a place of true curiosity. They have a magnetic like pull. You want to be around these people because you suddenly feel as if you also have permission to be yourself. 

I often feel trapped within myself. There is an opinionated, strong, affectionate, creative and sometimes needy person stuck inside that doesn’t get the opportunity to have her needs met, as most people don’t even know she exists. Sometimes disguising this part of myself becomes exhausting. I just want to breath, to truly exhale, although I usually resist the urge. I am concerned that my true self may slip out. 

I urge people reading this to be themselves or at the very least fight the good fight. You are not serving yourself or others by only sharing only part of yourself. Each time you are sincerely yourself, without fear of judgement or rejection, you give someone else permission to do the same.

WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL?

I recently read an article about a guy that had worked in the same profession for 11 years and found it utterly boring. However, he made extremely decent money, and he had become accomplished and known within his profession. Year after year he tolerated his work life and year after year he hoped that one day he would find a career that was more fulfilling. He said that most days he dreads going to work (and has done for a long time). 

This story struck a chord with me, as dreading going to work is an area where I can relate. I had one job that I hated so much that I would pray each day that elevator would break down between floors, so I didn’t have to enter the office. 

So why do we tolerate an unsatisfactory work life? Making money is often our first priority and responsibility, and at some time we gradually start to accept that loving (or even liking) our job isn’t THAT important, or believe we are lucky to have a decent job. Starting a new profession is the most terrifying prospect for most people, especially when you already have an established and successful career. People often identify so strongly with what they do, that changing profession may feel like abandoning who they are. The usual thoughts that run through our head are “what would people think?” and “what if I wasn’t as successful?” or “what if I fail?” 

When I was a child/teenager I use to love imagine what I was going to do one day. One of my personal favorites was my desire to be an advertising creative director and drive a Mercedes SL 500 by the time I was 21. It probably doesn't come as a surprise, to know that this didn't happen. I still have so many ideas as to what would be a great job, however, there is one big difference between now and then.  At 15 I didn’t believe I would fail. 

Questions to ask yourself if you don’t love your job:

What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail? 

If someone told me at 18 that this is what I would be doing, would I have any 

regrets or would I have done anything differently?

Does my current job reflect my values?

What brings me joy? 

What am I waiting for? 

What is the best thing that could happen? 

What will my life be like if I do nothing? 

Is loving my job important? 

I know that some people don’t need to love their job in order to enjoy what they do, and some people are satisfied with an ok job, if means that they can spend more time with their family, or that work is just a means to an end. I utterly admire people that are of this opinion, however, I also know that there are people that are going to read this that want more. What they are doing just isn’t enough and they know in their heart that they are meant to do something different. If you can relate to this, ask yourself what would you do attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail?

OVERWHELMED AND OVERWORKED? A GUIDE TO SLOWING DOWN

Life seems to move at a rapid pace for most of us. This often leaves us feeling over scheduled, overstimulated and overwhelmed. Sometimes I long for the weekends of my childhood. The stores closed at 12 pm on Saturday and Sunday was pretty much exclusively for going to church, mowing your lawn, Sunday drives, incinerating your garden clippings and of course a Sunday roast. 

I am probably romanticizing at least some of this e.g. the smell of freshly cut grass, somewhat masked by thick bellowing smoke, being forced into the car in order to go to Sunday School and oh and those Sunday drives that seemed like they were never going to end. However, life did seem a little simpler. There seemed to be a predictability about the week. No one asked what you did over the weekend; they just assumed you were mowing lawns, lighting fires and driving around endlessly looking at other peoples gardens. 

However, now there seems to be a sense of urgency in everything we do. Each weekend is packed with social activities, shopping and housework. Usually by the end of my weekend, I am exhausted and I’m looking forward to the new week. No wonder we feel overwhelmed and no wonder we feel challenged by the idea of slowing down. I personally feel as I will miss out on something if I’m not utilizing every second, doing activities that are suppose to be making me happy. I now realize that what I am missing out on is the rhythm of life. I am missing out on the simple pleasures of sitting with a cup of tea, or watching my son draw a picture or listen to music (really listen). Being in the moment, requires us momentarily to stop, breath, observe and absorb. Our hurried and harried lives leave people feeling that this isn’t a choice. However, that is where we are wrong. 

Tips of slowing the pace.

Say no - Saying no to others often means saying yes to yourself.

Stop and notice the smell of your freshly brewed cup of coffee

Breath - deep breathing can connect us to our surroundings and lower our stress levels.

Try having a family day once a week that doesn’t involve spending money.

Meditate

Enjoy simple pleasures over the weekend (time off) like reading, going to the beach or feeding some ducks.

Reconnect with loved ones.

Have a least one shop free day per week.

Don’t use your car for one day per week.

Make something creative.

Cook something with love and share it with those that you love.

Laugh with friends.

Garden, sing, fly a kite, dance or whatever makes your soul come alive.

Go hiking/walking.