Acceptance

This week I have struggled with the ability to accept... acceptance, simply accepting what we have and not wanting more. Try as I might, I can not make people the way I want them to be (or need them to be)! Fortunately acceptance resides within us. If we are able to accept ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly, we are also able to accept others as whole human beings. We often require more from our relationships, more material goods and more from ourselves. I used to associate acceptance with mediocrity. I worried that if I stopped wanting then I would stop achieving. However, I now realize that the opposite is true.

“Out beyond ideas and wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field.  I will meet you there.”  - Rumi

FINDING THE COURAGE TO BE YOURSELF

I was going to write a generic blog today with a catchy title in order to increase readership. However after some reflection I realized that this is not why I began to blog in the first place. I wanted to speak my truth. I think as a life coach there is sometimes a temptation to appear as if you have it all figured out.  Well I don't and I want to share some of my misgivings and vulnerabilities in order to help others achieve some clarity around similar issues. Each time I blog it is therapeutic and terrifying at the same time. My efforts to be 100% authentic are sometimes threatened by my desire to please people. Most of the time I manage to resist the urge to please.

Why is it so difficult for us to be sincerely our self. It is difficult not relying on emotional or physical barriers, or use fashion, statement, or status pieces to send a message about who we are (or would like to be). Be strong enough to avoid the temptation of using humor or indifference as a defense. To just be! To be comfortable walking to the store without make-up, to be comfortable saying no if we feel overwhelmed, to be brave enough to accept rejection. Telling someone that we are not ok and that we need comforting and support. It seems so much easier (at least for me) to be stoic and somewhat aloof than be 100% myself. I would love to be able to walk down the road and subdue my negative self talk. Just long enough to realize that people don’t have a strong opinion about how my hair looks or care if my bag matches my outfit. 

Do these issues just plague women or do men sometimes feel the same vulnerabilities? I have noticed that I meet very few people who are truly themselves. It is extremely obvious when you meet these people because you immediately get the sense that you can see their soul. They exude innocence, vulnerability and come from a place of true curiosity. They have a magnetic like pull. You want to be around these people because you suddenly feel as if you also have permission to be yourself. 

I often feel trapped within myself. There is an opinionated, strong, affectionate, creative and sometimes needy person stuck inside that doesn’t get the opportunity to have her needs met, as most people don’t even know she exists. Sometimes disguising this part of myself becomes exhausting. I just want to breath, to truly exhale, although I usually resist the urge. I am concerned that my true self may slip out. 

I urge people reading this to be themselves or at the very least fight the good fight. You are not serving yourself or others by only sharing only part of yourself. Each time you are sincerely yourself, without fear of judgement or rejection, you give someone else permission to do the same.

WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL?

I recently read an article about a guy that had worked in the same profession for 11 years and found it utterly boring. However, he made extremely decent money, and he had become accomplished and known within his profession. Year after year he tolerated his work life and year after year he hoped that one day he would find a career that was more fulfilling. He said that most days he dreads going to work (and has done for a long time). 

This story struck a chord with me, as dreading going to work is an area where I can relate. I had one job that I hated so much that I would pray each day that elevator would break down between floors, so I didn’t have to enter the office. 

So why do we tolerate an unsatisfactory work life? Making money is often our first priority and responsibility, and at some time we gradually start to accept that loving (or even liking) our job isn’t THAT important, or believe we are lucky to have a decent job. Starting a new profession is the most terrifying prospect for most people, especially when you already have an established and successful career. People often identify so strongly with what they do, that changing profession may feel like abandoning who they are. The usual thoughts that run through our head are “what would people think?” and “what if I wasn’t as successful?” or “what if I fail?” 

When I was a child/teenager I use to love imagine what I was going to do one day. One of my personal favorites was my desire to be an advertising creative director and drive a Mercedes SL 500 by the time I was 21. It probably doesn't come as a surprise, to know that this didn't happen. I still have so many ideas as to what would be a great job, however, there is one big difference between now and then.  At 15 I didn’t believe I would fail. 

Questions to ask yourself if you don’t love your job:

What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail? 

If someone told me at 18 that this is what I would be doing, would I have any 

regrets or would I have done anything differently?

Does my current job reflect my values?

What brings me joy? 

What am I waiting for? 

What is the best thing that could happen? 

What will my life be like if I do nothing? 

Is loving my job important? 

I know that some people don’t need to love their job in order to enjoy what they do, and some people are satisfied with an ok job, if means that they can spend more time with their family, or that work is just a means to an end. I utterly admire people that are of this opinion, however, I also know that there are people that are going to read this that want more. What they are doing just isn’t enough and they know in their heart that they are meant to do something different. If you can relate to this, ask yourself what would you do attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail?

OVERWHELMED AND OVERWORKED? A GUIDE TO SLOWING DOWN

Life seems to move at a rapid pace for most of us. This often leaves us feeling over scheduled, overstimulated and overwhelmed. Sometimes I long for the weekends of my childhood. The stores closed at 12 pm on Saturday and Sunday was pretty much exclusively for going to church, mowing your lawn, Sunday drives, incinerating your garden clippings and of course a Sunday roast. 

I am probably romanticizing at least some of this e.g. the smell of freshly cut grass, somewhat masked by thick bellowing smoke, being forced into the car in order to go to Sunday School and oh and those Sunday drives that seemed like they were never going to end. However, life did seem a little simpler. There seemed to be a predictability about the week. No one asked what you did over the weekend; they just assumed you were mowing lawns, lighting fires and driving around endlessly looking at other peoples gardens. 

However, now there seems to be a sense of urgency in everything we do. Each weekend is packed with social activities, shopping and housework. Usually by the end of my weekend, I am exhausted and I’m looking forward to the new week. No wonder we feel overwhelmed and no wonder we feel challenged by the idea of slowing down. I personally feel as I will miss out on something if I’m not utilizing every second, doing activities that are suppose to be making me happy. I now realize that what I am missing out on is the rhythm of life. I am missing out on the simple pleasures of sitting with a cup of tea, or watching my son draw a picture or listen to music (really listen). Being in the moment, requires us momentarily to stop, breath, observe and absorb. Our hurried and harried lives leave people feeling that this isn’t a choice. However, that is where we are wrong. 

Tips of slowing the pace.

Say no - Saying no to others often means saying yes to yourself.

Stop and notice the smell of your freshly brewed cup of coffee

Breath - deep breathing can connect us to our surroundings and lower our stress levels.

Try having a family day once a week that doesn’t involve spending money.

Meditate

Enjoy simple pleasures over the weekend (time off) like reading, going to the beach or feeding some ducks.

Reconnect with loved ones.

Have a least one shop free day per week.

Don’t use your car for one day per week.

Make something creative.

Cook something with love and share it with those that you love.

Laugh with friends.

Garden, sing, fly a kite, dance or whatever makes your soul come alive.

Go hiking/walking.

LESS IS MORE IN THE LAND OF EXCESS

My life has changed drastically since I last blogged. Due to my husbands work I have moved to Dubai and swapped living in a three level home for living in a two bedroom apartment. This involved selling, donating, giving away and throwing away around 80% of what we owned. I have to say that it felt incredibly liberating! I now have the minimalist life that I have been working towards .....or do I? You see minimalism and Dubai in the same sentence is probably an oxymoron. Better known as the Las Vegas of the Middle East, in this city everything that glitters is actually gold! Since arriving here, I have picked up a small magazine reading addiction. Wanting to embrace my new city I am always keen to see how others live here and lets just say there are a LOT of people in a slightly different snack bracket to me; I know this because the Porsche Panamera is considered a family car.

I see all the expat women here with the typical key status items that suggest someone has some money (irrespective of whether they do or not) e.g. Louis Vuitton handbag, Tiffany jewelry, Jimmy Choo shoes , Gucci sunglasses and a honking big 4 x 4 for the school run. I am sure most of them are probably normal income families trying to make a few extra dollars in Dubai. This just happens to be the Dubai uniform, or as one magazine article explained, women in Dubai are tribes distinguished by the brand of handbag they carry. As a rational, mature adult women, there is a small part of me that sometimes feels I want to buy into that. I want to be like all the other girls, and I want to fit in (my 15 year old self talking). Why can’t I buy pretty shoes like that? Nobody is going to like me if I look frumpy!

I must admit that it seems ridiculous that I would want to aspire to be like those around me. I have come to a place in my life where I am comfortable with myself and not overburden by the pressure to conform, to consume or be a certain way for others but apparently my inner 15 year old self didn’t get the memo and I think her and i need to talk. I would like to think that people judge me based on what I think and do rather than what label I am wearing. Or more im portantly, measure my own value by what I think and do and not how I look. So I shall try and go forth and not allow my sense of self to be unhinged by pretty shoes or overpriced clothes. I will remind myself of what is important to me and what I truely value!








“Nothing truly valuable arises from ambition or from a mere sense of duty; it stems rather from love and devotion towards men and towards objective things.”






—Albert Einstein

IS YOUR SUFFERING SELF IMPOSED?

How much of our own suffering is self imposed. I think I may have been conditioned to believe that suffering and hard work was synonymous. This is reflected in my attitude toward my current career as a life coach. I absolutely love what I do and, therefore, find it difficult to recognise it as work. In my mind, work is supposed to be difficult and unpleasant, only then, is the compensation you receive justified. I’m not sure where this idea came from, perhaps it is my protestant work ethic, or maybe I get a payoff from making life a little more difficult than it needs to be.

Sometime later....after some navel gazing...I realise that to my surprise and disappointment, I can sometime be a martyr, and there are few traits that annoy me more than martyrdom. I don’t fall into the vocal variety ‘look what I have done for you and look what I have sacrificed’, I just quietly suffer, which is probably even worse. There is a certain smugness that comes with suffering quietly.

Devoting yourself selflessly to others from my own experience is driven by a desire not to take up space and at the same time, still be needed. If I am to ask for what I want or take the space I need for myself, then I may have to do something meaningful with it. I may need to require more from myself than I currently do. I may just be happier and who know where that might lead :-)

SLOWING DOWN AND REDUCING MENTAL CLUTTER

I really need to slow down. I tend to live my life at breakneck speed. I alternate between procrastination and doing everything at 100 miles a minute. I have always had a low tolerance for slow movers. It brings to mind an extremely slow cashier, who does not seem to have a sense of urgency despite there being 20 people in the line. However, I’m not sure if my frenetic pace is more effective. I have a constant sense of dread in doing something as it requires such effort to put on my sprinting shoes, warm up and prep myself for the race of my life (e.g. cleaning the house). I usually find an infinite number of time wasting activities to prevent myself from having to start the race. When I finally begin, the first 20 minutes usually involves running around the house trying to do ten things at once. Then it’s time for a break, as this energy level just isn’t sustainable. Breaks are my friend; however breaks also give me with another opportunity to consider all the other things I could be doing. Before I know it I have one load of washing that is still in the machine (wet), I have one clean toilet, one half vacuumed living room and five ironed t-shirts, and that is where my efforts end. I am now on my way to the store to buy a new clock for the living room. It is probably safe to say that I sometimes lack direction.

My mind usually also runs at a thousand miles an hour, which allows little time to contemplate or consider anything, so reflective thinking is also out of the question. I am never truly present when I am doing something, as I am always thinking about what I plan to do when I'm finished. Which sometimes leads to feeling totally overwhelmed and I do nothing – the dreaded procrastination.

When I think about slowing down, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think that I was born with just an on and off switch. There are times when I like the fact that I get things done quickly and if something is exceptionally urgent, I’m your girl! I will work through the night; I will be wide awake at 4 am madly working to finish off the task at hand, of course with the help of no less than five cups of coffee. The problem is I have less control over when I turn the switch on and off than I would like. I suspect that filling my life with stuff to do (or spending time thinking about stuff I need to do) is merely mental clutter that distracts me from what is actually going on in my life. Not unlike physical clutter, mental clutter is really just a self imposed barrier to being real with yourself. If my mind was relieved of all this clutter I fear that I would not be as interesting and my day would not be nearly as important as I think it is.

David B. Bohl, author of Slow Down Fast has listed the following causes of mental clutter

Avoidance Behaviours that Clutter the Mind: Avoiding unpleasant tasks and sometimes piling on additional responsibilities to validate the avoidance.

The Dangers of Indecision: Usually caused by the fear of making the wrong decision.  Then doing nothing creates stress that builds upon itself

Overcoming the Feeling of Being Overwhelmed: When we have too much to do we are frozen and uncertain where to begin – usually caused by an overloaded calendar or large projects.

Reducing mental clutter requires being a little more compassionate with yourself, letting yourself off the hook sometimes. It is necessary to be cognisant of your physical and mental limitations. Be kind to your body and allow yourself to experience the feeling of relaxation. It is important to find pleasure in the task at hand and (even the mundane). I have listed some tips below that may help eliminate some of your mental clutter.

• Take large tasks and break them down so they are smaller and more achievable
• Use some type of time management tool
• Reduce negative self talk
• Write down your thoughts – this often enables you to let go of them
• Incorporate relaxation into your day (don’t wait until you are stressed)
• Don’t be a slave to your cell phone or email
• Stop over scheduling your day
• Ask for help
• Delegate
• Take time for yourself
• Do activities that feed your soul (not just your mind)
• Remember that like physical clutter – eliminating mental clutter creates room for new things in your life.
• Exercise
• Meditation

PURCHASE LESS - LIVE MORE

If I can’t find a lid to a plastic container, I will usually throw the container in the garbage, giving no thought to the time or energy used to create it, or its environmental impact. My father in-law, on the other hand, saves yogurt containers and re-purposes them as food containers. Not because he is a staunch environmentalist, but because he sees value in his yogurt container. He sees no compelling reason for buying a new container when he has perfectly fine yogurt container. My mother would get angry with us if we ripped the wrapping paper on gifts, as she wouldn’t be able to reuse it. Does anyone reuse wrapping paper anymore? (Maybe that is a little strange? Were we the only family?)

 

When I look around my house, there are probably only one or two boxes of things that are irreplaceable. Other than that I have nothing that I value, it’s just stuff. I never purchased it because it meant anything. I most likely bought it because it was on sale. I have spent close to a decade mindlessly buying things that add very little value to my life. I am a gypsy at heart, and I am most content when I just have a suitcase of clothes. I remember that buying a refrigerator seemed like an enormous responsibility. Between the ages of 22 to 32, I lived in 13 different places. I never accumulated anything, and I couldn’t have been happier. I have to ask myself what happened.

 

Why did consuming become more important than spending time doing something you love or with people you love? I think because it’s easy. It’s a quick fix, and it’s easier to believe that material goods define you, as that requires little effort (apart from a few hours at the mall). When you choose to define yourself by how you live your life, that requires work.

 

I’m not sure if there is anyone that feels the way I do, but when I go to a large mall I feel my soul being sucked out. The more time I spend shopping, the more numb I become. I then engage in some fine food court dining which leads me to feeling numb and nauseous, which of course leads to the deep desire for a Starbucks coffee to jolt me back to life.

 

I have come to realize that my stuff doesn’t define me: I am certainly more than that! I plan to stay out of malls and spend more time enjoying the things that are irreplaceable, and that would be Antoine, Pete, my family, my friends and Matilda the dog.

 

“When we try in good faith to believe in materialism, in the exclusive reality of the physical, we are asking ourselves to step aside; we are disavowing the very realm where we exist and where all things precious are kept -- the realm of emotion and conscience, of memory and intention and sensation”. -John Updike

TIPS FOR CONSUMING LESS AND LIVING MORE

• Find a new pastime that invigorates you
• Reconnect with an activity you once loved
• Don’t go shopping
• Value the things you have
• Don’t purchase things you don’t need (even if it’s 75% off)
• Give your time to others
• Help someone less fortunate than yourself
• Evaluate who and what is important to you
• Move your body (mall walking doesn’t count)
• Get rid of things you don’t use, so you can appropriately take care of the things you do.
• Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’ (they are as messed up as you are)
•  

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH, this is a concept that I have struggled with for some time, and I often still do. I have spent my life pleasing others and trying to be pleasing. I have often held back my true thoughts and feelings in fear of offending someone or saying the wrong thing. I would choose words meticulously, in fear of being judged or alluding to the fact that I might be judging someone else. A good portion of my life was consumed with thinking about what I had said and how it was received. There were times where I felt like screaming out what I honestly thought. There were even times where I toyed with the outrageous idea of not smiling when I was sad, or not politely laughing at jokes that I didn’t find funny. However, these were just fantasies; I didn’t have the courage to drop my nice girl facade, not even for a second.

The strange thing is I actually am a nice girl. I try not to judge people, and I am open minded (not in the intimate encounters kind of way). I truly do care about peoples’ feelings and go out of my way not to upset anyone; however, I woke up one day and realised that in an effort to be ‘perfect and pleasing’ I had stopped sharing myself with the world. People weren’t getting to know me. I imagine that I often appeared aloof or standoffish, yet at the same time there was this little voice inside of me that wanted to be heard. I stayed silent because I feared if I connected with people from a genuinely honest place, perhaps they would do the same and tell me I SUCK. When I write that down it really does seem ridiculous, but that was my greatest fear. That I would be myself, and be told that wasn’t good enough.

Fortunately just over a year ago I decided to be unapologetically me and to my surprise the feedback that I have received from people is extremely positive, to my amazement, they still like me! To be honest, I haven’t noticed if people aren’t receptive. I’m no longer that bothered by it as I have come to the realisation that not everyone is going to think I’m great, and I’m alright with that. I would rather people dislike the real me than a manufactured version of myself, which ironically is exactly what I feared.

This transition has been difficult and sometimes I still kick myself for saying yes when I actually mean no or agreeing with something because it’s easier than disagreeing. It is not easy bravely declaring who you really are and what you really think. However, I know for me that it is necessary if I wish to have meaningful connections with others. So my advice is to dare to be you, although it’s necessary to note that it doesn’t happen overnight. Each small, courageous truth you speak will get you closer to being the extraordinarily wonderful person that is you.